December 30, 2005

Silicon Valley Mom

You have to drive a long way for a dog this good

By Dona Nichols
Times Columnist

Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away there was a prince named Ralph who had an unhappy new bride.

“Why are you sad?” asked Prince Ralph.

“I am sad because my womb is barren,” Princess Dona replied. “I shall never know true happiness unless I have a child.”

I was on the roof with Ralph and all three kids trying to coax the puppy into coming to one of us.

Months and months of trying to get pregnant soon turned into years and the princess could take no more of this sadness.

“If you can’t give me a child, then get me a golden retriever,” demanded the princess.

Prince Ralph was happy to do this because he was having a really tough time keeping up with the constant demands of the princess for his royal seed.

The princess was content with the puppy. She did everything but nurse that dog herself. Six months later the princess became heavy with child and it was proclaimed a miracle. A double miracle occurred just two years later with the birth of twins.

The royal couple stopped seeking miracles soon after that. In fact, they took extra precaution to ensure that no other miracles would occur. Their dog, Ozzie Beauregarde Nichols, was truly part of the family.

Fast-forward 12 years to this galaxy in our world we call Evergreen. Our beloved Ozzie died and left a huge hole in our family. After waiting a respectable amount of time to grieve our loss, we decided it was time for a new pet.

Ralph immediately went online and started looking for another golden retriever. When he announced he had found our new puppy, I was impressed. When he told me we’d have to drive to Temecula to fetch her, I was shocked.

“Temecula? Isn’t that near San Diego?” I asked.

“North of there,” Ralph said.

“That’s an awfully long way to go for a dog,” I said. “You know, the Bay Area is pretty big and golden retrievers are pretty common. I’ll bet we could find one closer.”

“But this is the one we want,” Ralph insisted. “You should read some of the horror stories about bad breeders.”

“But it’s a puppy, and they’re making them thangs every day,” I said.

The only thing worse than listening to a grown man whine is arguing with one. As usual, I gave in. Ralph insisted this would be an adventure for the whole family. A 456-mile road trip with three children is an adventure all right.

We drove and drove and drove out into the desert east of Temecula and took a left at the giant orange lizard. We then followed a dirt road past two yucca trees to the home of what Ralph considered to be the perfect breeders. All of this to pick out a dog.

Once we got there the children quickly turned their focus to the puppies. It took about three minutes to pick out the perfect puppy. It took another three minutes for the perfect puppy to pee on my foot.

I looked at my husband and said, “Yep, you’ve got to drive a long way for a dog this good.”

Of course this trip was to pick out the puppy we wanted. We would have to wait three to four more weeks before we could come back, 456 miles, to take the perfect puppy home.

Bossier, the newest member of the family.

About a month later we set out to retrieve our retriever, Bossier, the newest member of the family. Did I mention we had to drive 456 miles both ways?

All the way down there the kids fought over the armrest as though it was prime real estate will mineral rights. Every time they fought, I reminded my husband that it would certainly be worth enduring the road-trip from hell because we’d be getting a fine dog from such good breeders and that’s important.

Whenever the kids weren’t bickering, which wasn’t very often, I’d break the silence by saying something like, “I can’t believe we’re driving this far for a puppy. They’re making them thangs every day right in San Jose.”

When we got home the kids took Bossier out to play in the back yard and I sat on the couch beneath a mound of laundry and started folding clothes. Moments later Dylan came running in the house and said, “Bossier’s on the roof.”

I sprang from the laundry pile and ran outside. Five minutes later I was on the roof with Ralph and all three kids trying to coax the puppy into coming to one of us.

When we finally got her off the roof, she ran through the pile of laundry, grabbed my leopard-print bra and scurried out the front door with it.

When I complained about the chewed up lingerie, Ralph said she had undoubtedly mistaken the leopard-print bra for prey. In weeks to come she chewed up several shoes, though none from the same pair, a picnic table bench, a pair of sunglasses and dozens of socks.

She likes to play the piano too, even though she’s no good at it. Yep, you’ve got to drive a long way for a dog this good.

Dona Nichols teaches journalism at San Jose State University and does stand-up comedy on the side at the Improv in downtown San Jose. She lives in Evergreen with her husband and three children. E-mail her at: DonaNichols@gmail.com.