December 17, 2004

‘Blow bubbles’ and teach your child to deal with anger

By Dr. Meena Sathappan
Special to the Times

“When angry, count 10 before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.” - Thomas Jefferson

Any social skills, including self-quieting, taking turns and managing anger, don’t come naturally. They have to be taught.

Our society does not tolerate poor control of anger, yet a child is exposed to violence regularly by watching television and movies or by playing video games. Anger control is a basic coping skill. With time and training, it can be taught and parents have a very important role.

Blowing bubbles teaches him or her a behavior that is different from getting nervous, anxious or angry.

Anger is a normal reaction to frustration. As a child grows, he or she must be taught to tolerate frustration and, when possible, to change events for the better. Parents can help children discover that they are not the only one who gets angry and that anger and frustration are normal parts of life that everyone must face.

While it is important for children to express their emotions, they can be taught positive and socially acceptable ways to deal with anger and frustration.

One of the biggest challenges to teach children on how to deal with anger is that parents don’t know ahead of time when their child is going to become angry. They have no choice therefore, but to use the time between outbursts, to help the child learn how to deal effectively with angry feelings.

Common parenting practices, like providing consequences for acting on anger or discussing the situation after it’s over, will not teach children how to deal with anger. In fact, such interactions may, over the long term, make them angrier.

An effective way to teach any new skill or technique to a child is by using the four P’s:

- Practice an appropriate behavior.
- Praise or reward your child for practicing.
- Point out calming behaviors you or someone else uses effectively – like how you deal with anger.
- Prompt your child to use the new appropriate behavior – like self-calming skills.

Now, lets look at how the four P’s can be applied to teaching your child how to deal with anger. Remember, each step is important!

Step 1: Practice blowing bubbles.
Practice blowing real (soap) or imaginary bubbles with your child every day. Blowing bubbles teaches him or her a behavior that is different from getting nervous, anxious or angry. It teaches your child to breathe slowly by taking deep breaths. Eventually, your child will start using this coping method to defuse anger as soon as it starts.

Step 2: Praise your child. Identify rewards.
Sit down with your child and agree on rewards that he or she can get by practicing to blow bubbles every day, not just at the onset of frustration or anger. Continued reinforcement is indeed a good thing!

Step 3: Point out your own successful coping methods.
Identify times when you deal or have dealt effectively with your own stress. Point these out to your child. Ask your child to join you in blowing bubbles to cope with your frustrations. This is an effective way to tell your child that you too must work at keeping your temper in check.

Step 4: Prompt, and then remain calm.
When your child starts to get upset, encourage him or her to practice blowing bubbles towards calming down. Address the child quietly, in a matter-of-fact manner. Avoid eye-to-eye contact and do not get drawn into the situation.

Otherwise, it is going to be hard to keep yourself from getting angry.

Because anger-management skills are difficult to learn, and because they are so very important, practice them with your child even starting with the first month. The child who is equipped with good coping skills is a child with fewer behavioral and social problems. That sure makes family life more pleasant for everyone!

Source: “Coping Skills for the angry/impatient/clamorous child” Dr. S. Morweet and Dr. E.R. Christophersen, Contemporary Pediatrics, June 2004.

Dr. Meena Sathappan is a board-certified pediatrician who lives and practices in Evergreen. She is available for questions and consultation at Aasha Pediatrics, 2060 Aborn Rd., # 230, San Jose, CA 95121 (corner of Aborn Road and Capitol Expressway). You can also e-mail her at msathappan@gmail.com.