November 19, 2005

How to survive Thanksgiving

By Arianna Trujillo-Robnett
Times Columnist

Thanksgiving may appear to be a calm, placid holiday, filled with good food, no school, and peace of mind. But a secret horror lurks every year as this event rolls around, an epidemic that can no longer be ignored—relatives.

These cheek-pinching, cooing, finger-licking, “pull my finger” uttering threats to humanity relatives descend every year upon children and teens everywhere, under the guise of love and charity.

It is only recently that I have decided that something must be done to prevent the pain that we experience from spreading to another generation. So I have compiled this brief, but insightful and necessary guide to survive the horrors of Thanksgiving. It can also be applied to Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or any other holiday of the year that requires we be polite to people who we rarely see and can barely remember.

Take these suggestions my sore-cheeked brethren and pass them on. May they serve you well.

Hugs: The first and foremost threat of relatives has to deal with hugs. To avoid this traumatic experience, don’t bathe for several days—weeks on end works the best. This method is most easily pulled off by boys between the ages of 9 and 14 who are still allergic to water. Another quick fix is to go dumpster diving for a few hours. This way you will fulfill a laundry list of shopping needs and get away from Thanksgiving, hug free.

Corny jokes: If you have more then five people in your family, you are guaranteed to have at least one relative who will latch onto you and suck you into a corny joke. These people have the knack for finding you just as you were about to make your escape and smell the sweet air of freedom.

Because these relatives either won’t stop talking or are 100 years old, you have to stand their politely nodding your head, pretending to care, or more likely, pretending to understand in the first place. The easiest way out is to say you have to go to the bathroom and run away—quickly. Another alternative is to spill a drink on them, water or something clear, apologize, and run when this person makes a big scene, and relatives spring out of the woodwork trying to find out what’s going on.

Annoying baby cousins: If you’ve ever had to babysit even once, everyone will automatically assume that you like small children. And during the holiday season, someone will stick you with a baby at least once. With a baby, simply act incompetent and hand it off to someone else at your first opportunity. Babies are cute; it’s a simple solution.

The real bane of a teen’s existence is the devil’s spawn, also known as toddlers. To be blunt, shove a rag in their mouth, lock them in a closet, and then play rock music as loudly as you can. This will drown out both annoying carols and the screams of the child in the closet.

The presence of relatives in general: The only way to avoid relatives for certain is to move to Nova Scotia for a couple of centuries, but if this is out of your budget, the next plausible idea is really simple. Pretending to be sick is an age-old copout of any anti-social teen, and using your magic powers of persuasion, you should be able to convince your folks that you have the latest strain of Bubonic Plague. At the very least you can fake a really bad headache. Either one will shield you from the mere sight of questioning, probing relatives.

That random relative your age: Parents sometimes assume that if a relative is your age, you must have the world and the moon in common with them. This person is typically shy and quiet and drops seemingly out of the sky.

You’ve probably never even heard of this person before. The average course of action is to be shoved into a room together “so you can talk.”

This normally leads to strained conversations consisting of awkward silences and “uh … so … you breath air too huh?” These boring lifeless creatures are begging for either a friend or a ride back home.

The best solution is to drive them home, but if you can’t, the next easiest solution is to lock them outside the house. Doing so will keep them away from parents who might then immediately ground you for not being nice to the family’s patent reject and also allow several hours of solitude until the next group of family members arrives.

Despite all of the annoying questions, the crying and the suffering that one has to go through every year, family is a very important aspect of the holidays. Even if you do shove a few toddlers in closets, spill water on your annoying uncle and lock a cousin out in the cold, remember this: these people will stick with you through thick and thin. So love them, tolerate them, maintain a large stash of duct tape and enjoy the holidays.