November 17, 2006

Aging Connection

Preparing for the holidays with an elderly parent

By Vivian I. Silva
Special to the Times

Adult children come home for the holidays and may not be prepared for the changes they find in their elderly parents. Health care providers may hear a daughter lament, “Mom’s cooking isn’t what it used to be.” A son comments, “I’m concerned about my father’s driving.”

The holiday season is a busy time for care managers and other health professionals who field calls from worried adult children. This is the time when adult children visit their parents and see behaviors and situations that phone conversations or e-mails can’t reveal.

Adult children often call a health care professional with their concerns and hope to find solutions to this unsettling reality. The always neat home is now messy, dad is unsteady on his feet or mom repeats the same story over and over again.

The elderly sometimes try to keep up appearances because they fear being taken out of their home. Many elderly relatives deal with a major fear that their adult children might move them into a nursing home. And, simply losing their independence also provokes fear.

Three common solutions can enable elders to stay in their own homes: Hiring housekeepers, putting elderly family members in adult day care and placing them in temporary respite care so that family members that live with the elderly can get a break to take a vacation or to take care of personal business. If both parents are living, often the family will look for ways to help the spouse providing care for the other parent.

The caregiver’s stress and exhaustion often leads to neglect of household chores, putting their own health needs on hold and reducing their social activities.

As much as the elders are happy to see their loved ones during the holidays, having company may seem like more work then they can handle.

The following tips can help make the holiday visits less stressful:

- Assess your expectations for the home visit and ask yourself if they are realistic.

- Let your parents know that during your visit you’d like to help with any chores that have been put on hold.

- Offer to cook a meal in order to try out a new favorite recipe or try out the new local restaurant.

- Suggest hiring help to make life easier because you want them to enjoy their later years without much stress

- Prepare yourself for the emotions that may come up if you are shocked by the changes in your loved one.

- Give yourself permission to ask for help from professionals, neighbors or other family members to monitor your parents care after you go home.

- Have a conversation with your parents about your concerns and the changes you’ve noticed.

- Allow time for your parents to reminisce about their lives.

- Offer an opportunity for new traditions such as going out for the holiday dinner instead of leaving it to mom to prepare.

- Suggest a potluck for the holiday dinner if they prefer to stay at home

- Ask for permission to speak to their physician.

- Ease the burden of shopping on your parents by drawing names for gifts instead of buying gifts for everyone in the family or substituting memory or storytelling gifts for purchases.

- Accept that you might not be able to make any changes yet, but can only make suggestions thus ‘planting the seed’ for further conversations.

Holidays can be stressful but try to slow down, relax and appreciate the time with your loved ones. Change is inevitable and there is no guarantee you’ll be able to celebrate another holiday together.

What can we do to prepare for the next holiday? Take the time to record the family stories and wisdoms to pass on to the younger generations and make that next year’s holiday tradition.

Vivian I. Silva, Gerontologist/ MSW is the director of Geriatric Advisory Program at Almaden Valley Counseling Service. The service educates and advises adult children and elders on aging issues and provides individual and family consultation. For more information call (408) 975-2988 or e-mail vivsilva@aol.com.