August 25, 2006

The Best Wealth is Your Health

Preparing your children for a new baby

By Dr. Meena Sathappan
Special to the Times

A new baby brings joys and challenges to a family. Parents are excited but they are also nervous about how their older children will react to the newborn. All sorts of questions come up: How should we tell our older children that they are going to have a baby brother or sister? Will they be jealous of the new baby? How can we make sure they will get along as they get older?

How your children react to a new baby depends largely on their ages at the time the baby is born. Knowing what to expect from each age group will make it easier to handle the changes in your family.

Children ages 2 to 4
Toddlers and preschoolers may have a hard time adjusting to a new baby, especially if they are between 2- and 3-years-old. At this age, your child is still very attached to you and does not yet understand about sharing you with others.

Here are some suggestions on how to ease your preschooler into being a big brother or big sister.

Wait to tell your preschooler, but don’t wait too long. To a child younger than 4 years, an unborn child is more of an abstract concept that is difficult to understand. You should explain to your child when you start buying nursery furniture or baby clothes, or when she starts to ask about mom’s growing “stomach.” Picture books for preschoolers or sibling preparation classes offered by some hospitals can be helpful in this regard. On the other hand, try to tell your child before he/she hears about the new baby from someone else.

Be honest. Do not promise that things will be the same after the baby comes, because they won’t, no matter how hard you try. Explain that the baby will be cute and cuddly, but will also cry and take a lot of your time and attention. Also, make sure that your older child knows that the baby will not be an instant playmate. Let your preschooler know that you will love her just as much after the baby is born as you do now.

Involve your preschooler in planning for the baby. This will make her less jealous. Let her shop with you for baby items. Show her pictures of herself as a newborn. If you are going to use some of her old baby things, let her play with them a bit before you get them ready for the new baby.

Do not make major changes in your preschooler’s routine until after the baby is born. You should complete any changes, such as toilet training or switching from a crib to a bed, before the baby arrives. If that is not possible, put them off until after the baby is settled in at home. Otherwise, your preschooler may feel overwhelmed by trying to learn new things on top of all the changes caused by the new baby.

Expect your child to “regress” a little. Don’t worry too much if news that a baby is coming or if the baby’s arrival makes your preschooler start acting like a baby again. For example, your toilet-trained child might suddenly start having “accidents,” or she might want to take a bottle. This is normal and is your older child’s way of making sure she still has your love and attention. Instead of telling her to act her age, let her have the attention she needs. Praise her when she acts more “grown up.”

Prepare your child for when you are in the hospital. Toddlers and preschoolers may be confused when you leave for the hospital. Explain to your child that you will be back with the new baby in a few days.

Set aside some special time for your older child. No matter how busy you are with the new baby, make sure you save some special time each day just for you and your older child. Read, play games, listen to music or simply talk together. Show her that you want to know what she is doing, thinking and feeling – not only about the baby but also about everything else in her life.

Encourage visitors to give attention to your older child. Ask family and friends to spend a little time with your older child when they come to see the new baby. They might also give her a small gift when they bring gifts for the baby.

Have your older child spend time with dad. A new baby presents a great opportunity for fathers to spend time alone with older children.

School-age children, children older than 5
Compared to younger children, a newborn is less of a threat to children older than 5. This is particularly true if the school-age child has good self-esteem and feels loved and valued. Even so, your older child may resent the attention the baby gets. Below are some ways in which you can prepare your school-age child for a new baby.

Explain what it means to have a new brother or sister. Highlight the changes may affect him or her – both the good and the not-so-good. This should be done in a language that the child can understand.

Make your firstborn feel like a part of the process. Have your older child help get the house ready for the new sibling by fixing up the baby’s bedroom, picking out a new crib, buying diapers. If there is time, have her come to the hospital soon after the delivery so that she feels part of the growing family. When you bring the baby home make your older child feel that she has a role to play in caring for the baby. Tell her she can hold the baby, although she must ask you first. Praise her when she is gentle and loving toward the baby.

Make sure your older child feels listened to. Don’t overlook your older child’s needs and activities. Let her know she can talk about her feelings. Tell her: that the baby means more work for you, but if she feels that you are not spending enough time with her, to let you know so you can give her extra love. Make an effort to spend some time alone with her each day; use that as a chance to make her feel like the most important person in your life.

Thomas Jefferson said, “The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.” Make every effort to create life long bondage between siblings and with other members of the family!

Source: American Academy of Pediatrics

Dr. Meena Sathappan is a board-certified Pediatrician who lives and practices in Evergreen. She is available for questions and consultation at Aasha Pediatrics, 2060 Aborn Road, # 230, San Jose, CA 95121 (corner of Aborn Road and Capitol Expressway). You can call her at (408) 274-9099, e-mail her at msathappan@gmail.com or visit her Web site at www.aashapediatrics.com.