June 29, 2007

Silicon Valley Mom

WWPD – What Will Paris Do

By Dona Nichols
Special to the Times

I was trying to get up-to-the-minute news on the wildfire in South Lake Tahoe earlier this week but apparently all the “left coast” reporters were hovering outside the Lynwood women’s jail awaiting the release of Paris Hilton.

I watched as she sashayed through a gauntlet of reporters and paparazzi deserving of a pope or a princess. Even though she hadn’t had a manicure or the ability to touch up her roots in more than three weeks, she welcomed her orange-carpet treatment in much the same way a life-size Barbie doll would. No offense to Barbie.

I think we all shed a few happy tears when Paris caught a glimpse of her mom in the limo. She held out her skinny little toothpick arms and ran to hug her mom’s head sticking out of the back window.

I expected a reporter to put a microphone in her face and ask, “Now that you’re out of the slammer Paris Hilton, what are you going to do now?”

Of course she’d reply, “I’m going to Disneyland.”

But this isn’t the same hotel heiress we knew a month ago. This is the new and improved Paris Hilton … the one who found God while reading the Bible during her jail stay.

It’s too bad Paris Hilton didn’t stumble upon a dictionary during her unfortunate and painful incarceration as she might’ve found a vocabulary about the same time she found God.

I read one blogger’s reaction that described Hilton’s experience as “a powerful story of redemption.” Puleeeeeese!
I’m still trying to imagine Paris reading anything period, much less the Bible, or any book more sophisticated than “The Little Engine That Could.”

That said, I do give her credit for taking away the Anna Nicole Smith stories although I will admit I was devastated to learn I wasn’t the father of her baby. I figured it was worth a shot even though they never did return my calls.
But I digress from the overly saccharin-sweet story of Paris Hilton. What will Paris do now?

• Purge all things orange from her closet.

• Do something of value for humanity, like buying “In ‘n Out” burgers for the starving children of Wal-Mart workers.

• Work diligently to reverse global warming.

• Ask her mom to explain global warming and why a big air conditioner wouldn’t solve it.

• Donate all her pre-slammer Manolo Blahnik designer shoes to the poorly dressed girls of Somalia.

• Write her memoirs.

• Record a rap album based on her experiences in the hoosegow.

• Call Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie for a night out … after all, there’s nothing like Paris at night.

What should Paris do?

Using Mommy’s driver and limo instead of driving drunk comes to mind.

Dona Nichols teaches journalism at San Jose State University and does stand-up comedy on the side at the Improv in downtown San Jose. She lives in Evergreen with her husband and three children. Email her at: DonaNichols@gmail.com.