April 8, 2005

It’s all about WB shows

By Stephanie Foo
Times Columnist

Teenagers sure can be a mopey bunch.

Adults think that they must be 10 times as depressed, because they’re spending 10 times the amount on therapists to determine where they are in their lives, but it’s teens who really need to cheer up.

We snap, grump and grunt at our parents, cry in our rooms until our pillows are covered in baby-blue eyeshadow, say things like “You’re not my friend anymore!” and write excessively bad angst-poetry. “Lo, how the dark abyss of our lives sucketh!”

But why? We don’t have to pay taxes. We don’t have to get dinner on the table by seven. If we hate our teacher, we only have to put up with him for a few more months, whereas real-world bosses can nag at you for years.

Don’t let the doctors fool you: hormones have nothing to do with it. It’s all about WB shows.

So you’re channel flipping when all of a sudden you see this hot guy doing lunges with his shirt off. “Oh!” you think.

“It’s time to escape from the daily drollness of my life and lose all conscious trains of thought while I stare at his pecs! Cool!”

Everything seems fine and dandy for a couple minutes, when all of a sudden…AGH! He gets hit by a car! No! The car was being driven by his girlfriend, who was messed up because of her glue addiction! She swerves into and kills his loving aunt in her delirium! This causes a rift in his family and his parents’ divorce, which sends him on a journey of self-reflection where he finds out he’s an eye-blasting alien, which totally screws everything up!

And just when you think you can get away and flip the channel, a commercial comes on and some pretty girl starts telling you how to get rid of acne, which of course you can’t miss. “Neutrogena—the new invigorating formula!” So that’s how to get rid of those annoying blackheads.

It seems mysterious that teenagers would subject themselves to this week after week. Bored housewives watching soap operas is understandable. Their lives are dull, they crave excitement, and there isn’t anything more exciting going on during the day than Adolfo rising from the dead to have Carissa’s baby.

But teenagers are so busy. They have finals, sports, real-life boys and plenty of actual problems to worry about. Why do they just go asking for more stressful drama, like which of Adolfo’s orifices the baby will come out of?
The answer to this is simple, there’s nothing else on television. Teachers play enough educational shows during school to satisfy that craving—No lesson plan? No problem!

Reality TV shows have real people in them, and we have to deal with those allll the time. Cartoons are for kids, sitcoms are corny, the Home Shopping Network is expensive and televangelists shout too much.

I guess you could tell us to turn off the television. But years of conditioning have prepared lots of excuses for that.

“It’s too cold to go outside now.” “I’ll only download music and get my parents sued if I go on the computer.” “I’ve already finished my homework and I’ve read everything in the house, including all the nutrition facts on labels.” (Lox is totally fattening.)

In fact, with nothing to watch, there really is only one thing left for us to do…

“I cried bitter tears all I could but
I’m climbing out of my rut
Not cuz I switched off Everwood,
But now I’m high on chocolate!”