March 24, 2006

Our Parents and Divorce

My Plea to Future Generations

By Jeffrey Lo
Times Columnist

Imagine this.

A girl has SATs on Saturday, finals the following week, and softball tryouts coming up. But, instead of studying and getting ready for the big week ahead of her, she is consumed by thoughts of her parents. Her dad moved out of the house and is living with her aunt. Her parents got into another fight and they’re threatening divorce - again.

She should be filling her mind with vocabulary and theorems but instead, her mind is being stuffed with every bad action her dad has done in her lifetime. She isn’t voluntarily studying up on her father’s bad habits; her instructor for this special class is her mom. Her mom is too caught up in the argument to think about the stress her daughter is already in. Or the added stress she is piling on her daughter.

Realize – this is what my peers go through everyday.

In 1997 alone, 1,163,000 divorces were granted. In the year 2000 over 10 percent of the US population was either divorced or separated from their spouse leaving nearly 12 million single parents. In 2002, the median length of a marriage that ended in divorce was under 8 years. If those statistics are shocking to you, wait till the statistics for 2006 come out.

I’m not sure why, but divorce rates have become the highest growing industry behind maybe iPods. I’ve noticed that whenever I talk to a friend and mention their “parents” I stop myself and make sure to be careful when mentioning the word in plural. I’ve had times where I mentioned, “your dad,” or “your mom,” and gotten a blank stare from an acquaintance that went through the trauma of a divorce. I have to be careful when mentioning parents being married and it’s sad that it’s necessary that I do so.

Too many times have I come to school to see one of my friends torn apart because of an argument his parents got into the night before. Too many times have my friends’ parents thrown around the word divorce over trivial matters. Too many times have the wrong people gotten married.

Why is it that every little argument has divorce as a potential outcome? I can’t claim to know the exact effects of a divorce. I’ve lived with my married parents my whole life and I’m thankful for that. I’m eternally grateful that my mom and dad try their hardest to keep it together through all of the arguments that they – and all married couples – go through. I can’t imagine how it must feel like to have to move in between parents and I’m glad I never had to.

Now, fellow members of the “Myspace generation,” please listen to me. I’m on my knees and I am begging that before we follow the mistakes of our parents, we think things through. Do we really want our future children to grow up with their single parents? Do we want our children to have a different “father” or “mother” every few years?

I’m not saying we eliminate the whole institution of divorce – there are couples who truly have irreconcilable differences – but please think things through before you get married. Before you pop the question or say I do, think about what you are getting yourself into.

When you get married to someone you are promising to share an eternal bond. You might even start a family. So before you make promises, think things through and take your time. There is a thick line between love and infatuation and money. Too many marriages end because people realize that they never really loved their spouse. Make sure that this is the right person for you.

Imagine for me one more time.

A parent is going through a tough divorce. He doesn’t understand his sons or daughter but he’s using them as a pawn to get at his wife that he should never have married. The kids go to school without a smile on their faces. They’re miserable. They have to experience court and are forced to choose one of their parents. Some pick their father, some their mother. The children are split forever. The children are traumatized and live without one of their parents.
Realize – this parent could be you.

When you get married, you vow to be with that person “through sickness and health,” and, “till death due us part.” We were taught to read a contract before we sign it. Let’s try to read our vows before we say them.

(All statistics courtesy of Divorce Magazine www.divorcemag.com)