February 10, 2006

Aging Connection

An act of love: Taking care of business

By Vivian I. Silva, Gerontologist
Special to the Times

The elder law attorney sat at the kitchen table to make sure Mr. Michaels (who suffers from early dementia) understood why Mrs. Michaels had retained her services. Mrs. Michaels had finally decided to take care of business…the end-of-life kind of business, that is.

Noticing her husband’s increased memory loss started her thinking. What if something happened to her first? Would her husband be able to pay the bills, create a trust, will, or advance directive? He had never written a check to pay their bills. She had taken care of the finances for 60 years. Now she was ready to make some difficult decisions.

Few families sit down to discuss “taking care of business.” Mr. and Mrs. Michaels would roll their eyes or just become silent when their children suggested it was time to think about these matters. She laughed when she admitted how they avoided the discussions.

Would the adult children know who she’d want making decisions for her health care if she couldn’t communicate, they asked? Mrs. Michaels wants to prolong her life if there’s the slightest chance for recovery if for example, she suffered from a stroke. On the other hand, Mr. Michaels expressed no desire for any heroic measures.

The surviving family members are often torn apart when they have to second- guess their parents’ intentions. Favorite possessions and heirlooms are up for grabs— “Mom promised me Grandma Mary’s ring”… “She told me I could have it!” and so it goes.

Removing the guesswork can allow siblings to bond, to heal from the grief and to remain close. Taking care of end-of-life legalities is an act of love. Death brings stressful times for families but what a gift it is to be able to help your loved ones avoid the guessing games.

Death knows no age and so parents may outlive their children. Adult children should take care of business too and let their parents know their wishes.

At a presentation for caregivers, one of the adult children asked, “How can I get my dad to prepare his will?” I asked, “Do you have yours prepared?” “No,” he replied.

What an act of love for his dad if that son took the lead and took care of his own end-of-life business! Once all the details have been taken care of, clients often say they feel a “weight lifted off my shoulders” or a “peace-of-mind” feeling.

Ethical wills may be the most valuable of all to families. Not everyone has property or other financial assets; but, everyone can share their values.

Increasing in popularity, ethical wills serve as a tool to pass on one’s story, life lessons, values, spiritual beliefs and messages to loved ones. For example, a local church invites those turning 80 years old to read their ethical will in front of the congregation.

A woman expressed relief that her father had everything in order when he died unexpectedly. Then she talked about a tape recording she found of her father describing all of his jobs. It meant the world to her.

There is no one way to pass on one’s essence or information for loved ones and future generations. From a short paragraph to a long letter, a poem or a song each will be received by your loved ones as a final act of love.