January 27, 2006

Silicon Valley Mom

When the child becomes the parent

By Dona Nichols
Times Columnist

Every day starts the same way at casa de Nichols. Between 5:30 and 6 a.m. there’s a phone call from my father-in-law. People often ask why he calls so early in the morning and my answer is always the same: “Because I very politely asked him to stop calling at 5 a.m.”

You’ve heard that the early bird gets the worm and I’m certain that my father-in-law wakes up the worm.

My husband, Ralph, chews the fat with his father each and every day of the year. Typically there are three to four calls before noon. How much fat can two people chew? Most of this fat has been chewed and regurgitated so many times that it could easily be mistaken for Lindsay Lohan’s lunch.

My father-in-law is 85, and until last month, he lived in the same house he had occupied in the San Fernando Valley since 1949. The same house my husband grew up in.

My father-in-law said the only way he’d ever leave this house was in a pine box. Last month he finally gave in and left in our RV.

Ralph called me a week before Christmas and said, “I’m bringing my dad up to live with us. I’m also bringing his three dogs.”

“You’re not bringing the blind Chihuahua that’s not housebroken,” I said firmly.

Ralph said, “Dona, you have to work with me here.”

How can he think I’m being unreasonable?

Keep in mind that it rained for about three weeks straight. Rain and un-housebroken dogs are not a good combination.

I needed some more things to occupy my copious free time in the single-digit days left before Christmas. Everything went on hold while I prepared a warm and welcoming room for my father-in-law.

I soon learned that he was a man of simple needs. He doesn’t need much, but whatever it is, he needs it now.

A few weeks ago, he asked Ralph to make him an appointment with a podiatrist for his ingrown toenail. Because it was a Sunday, Ralph said he’d do it first thing the next day.

“Aw, screw it,” said my father-in-law. Actually, the quote was more severe than “screw it” but I’m pretty sure the real word is unprintable.

“Just bring me a pair of dikes and I’ll take care of it myself,” he said.

Ralph has since learned that it’s not a good idea to let his dad perform surgery on himself.

I had worried how his presence would change the dynamics of our family. One thing that didn’t change was the early morning phone calls. The phone rings around the clock. Whether he’s misplaced the remote control or he simply wants to reminisce about the Bel Air brush fires, he doesn’t hesitate to call.

He loves to relive his 33 years as a Los Angeles fireman. He credits his occupation with keeping his marriage intact for 50 years. He claims that without the extended periods of time away from home at the engine house, my mother-in-law would’ve divorced him long ago. I’ll bet he never called her at 2 o’clock in the morning.

Even though his body is failing him, two things are working fine … his vocal chords and his dialing finger.

It’s a strange feeling when the tables turn, and we, the children, become the parents. It’s also an honor.

Dona Nichols teaches journalism at San Jose State University and does stand-up comedy on the side at the Improv in downtown San Jose. She lives in Evergreen with her husband and three children. Email her at: DonaNichols@gmail.com.