January 12, 2007

Silicon Valley Mom

Three A’s are Better than Two

By Dona Nichols
Special to the Times

If you ever find yourself stranded in the forest with nothing but an empty water bottle, some nail polish and a small wad of bellybutton lint, I’m your girl. I love using critical thinking skills to solve problems, which is probably the reason I garnered so much enjoyment from my Girl Scout experience.

Over the years … okay, decades, my friends have come to consider me as their personal problem solver. These friends also think I’m perfect and odor-free so their credibility is obviously suspect, but I’ve managed to amass quite a collection of “Dear Dona” letters and e-mails from people seeking to benefit from my wisdom. Here are a few of my favorites.

Dear Dona: I think I need to go to AA. I’m having way too much fun lately. I shot pool until midnight last night. Night before that I went dancing and lost my car keys. I’m afraid all this wild partying will rob me of my youthful charm. What’s your take on this?

Signed: Just Married
Dear Just Married: You don’t need AA in order to hold on to your youthful charm. Did you see how great Betty Ford looked in the recent news clips? She’s 87 and ¾ and looks stunning. If anything, you should drink more. Forget AA, you need AAA, the American Automobile Association, because they will tow you home or help you hotwire your car.

Dear Dona: I have four children under the age of 4 and all of them are teething. I haven’t slept in several nights and am just depleted. One of my neighbors suggested a small amount of whiskey and said that her mother and grandmother used to swear by it. Is it safe?
Signed: Fertile Myrtle

Dear Fertile Myrtle: Whiskey is safe only if you belong to AAA and don’t plan to drive after you drink it. In the olden days, mothers used to rub a little whiskey on their teething children’s gums. That was before they discovered it was more beneficial to slurp it down themselves. For added enjoyment have your husband heat it for a minute or so in the microwave. Be sure to tell him to stand really really close to the microwave while he’s doing this so that you don’t wind up with five teething children.

Dear Dona: While traveling cross-country with my husband and three kids last summer, I had a bit of a meltdown. After two days on the road, I was at the wheel when we pulled over for gas. My husband was pumping gas and I was trying to prevent my children from killing one another. I was overwhelmed with stress as I started the car and drove forward. I didn’t realize the gas nozzle was still in the car. Gas poured out all over the concrete as I yanked the nozzle and hose right out of the pump. My husband yelled at me and said I should have known he wasn’t done pumping because he had only been at it for a minute or two. To make it worse, we had to pay $187 to have the hose reattached to the gas pump. Is this incident proof that I’ve lost my mind?

Signed: Banned at Chevron
Dear Banned at Chevron: First of all, pulling the nozzle from the gas pump under these circumstances does not connote insanity. Traveling cross-country with three kids does. Second, time spent alone pumping gas is like meditation or yoga compared to sitting in a car with screaming kids. To put this into perspective, this was the equivalent of sending your husband to a day spa when he stepped out to pump gas. He’s way out of line for yelling at you. It may have only been a minute or two for him because he was in “spa” land, mellowing out and peacefully pumping gas. From your perspective it was a freaking eternity. Tell him that he’s welcome to pull out his stopwatch next time you’re at the gas station. Just to keep him honest, you should use an Olympic-style stopwatch to time his shortcomings, later that same night. Your husband should be grateful that this only set you back $187. It would cost twice that to send him to a day spa.

As one final precaution, you should join AAA so that you can get towed when you run out of gas. That way hubby can help with the kids instead of selfishly heading out to “spa” land.

Confidential to Forty-Five Minutes and Counting: Get an egg timer. Five minutes is the legal limit. Oh, and join AAA. It’s cheaper than therapy.

Dona Nichols teaches journalism at San Jose State University and does stand-up comedy on the side at the Improv in downtown San Jose. She lives in Evergreen with her husband and three children. Email her at: DonaNichols@gmail.com.